So Much Shoulding
I am an incredibly fortunate equestrienne. I have two very lovely horses to ride (as well as a superb retiree and a couple ponies). I get to keep these creatures at home in the lovely barn we built for them and on grassy pastures on a few acres that are incredibly close to the downtown of one of the fastest growing cities in the United States. Yet I find myself constantly “shoulding”. What do I mean by “shoulding”? I should ride more. I should show more. I should go to more clinics. I should put on more fly spray. I should body clip. I should, I should, I should, I should. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with shoulding and just don’t. At all.
Having a full-time job. Taking care of dogs/horses/cats/goats/chickens/ponies/donkey. Keeping up a small acreage. Curating relationships with friends and family. It all takes resources, all of which are finite. The biggest one being time. The second biggest one being cash. And those two things drive a lot of what shoulds happen and which ones don’t. The part that I struggle with the most with my shoulding is the why.
I’ve lived far too much of my life doing things because (I thought) other people thought that I should. Buying clothes I didn’t really like because someone else said they were cute. Overextending myself socially because I didn’t want to say no and hurt someone’s feelings. Going on trips that may have not been in the best interest of our budget because I didn’t want to miss out on anything. It’s only taken about 4 decades, but my self-awareness is finally maturing.
My greatest should struggle right now is Coco. What should I do with Coco?! ??????? !!!!!!!!!!!! She’s nine this year. I’ve had her at home for 8.5 of those nine years. If you had asked me when Coco was four what I thought she’d be doing when she was nine, I’d have told you showing in the Adult or Amateur/Owner hunters. The reality is that she’s only been to a couple rated horse shows and I’ve still never jumped a 3′ course of jumps on any horse, much less her. There are myriad reasons why we aren’t further along, but I find myself questioning my path forward with this horse ALL THE TIME.
My greatest mistake with Coco 5 years ago was not putting her in more precarious situations sooner. I should have taken her on trail rides, gone to more local shows, and just gotten her out and about. She is the “fanciest” horse I’ve ever had so I was nervous about “ruining” her, which is dumb. I’m a good rider and I don’t ask my horses to do stupid things. I was never going to ruin her by riding her like I rode all the baby horses that came before her, all of which have gone on to wonderful careers under saddle in various jobs. I’m getting her out and about now and it’s going really well. Her first few trail rides were comical (she was NOT getting her pretty hooves WET, OMG. But she will cross water just fine now) but she’s gained a ton of confidence.
I should show her at rated shows, but I just don’t feel it yet. My two primary resource challenges make me question biting the bullet and entering a show every time I get serious about doing an entry. I want her to foxhunt and hopefully will get her out this fall with hounds to see what she thinks. But there is always a little voice in my head that tells me I’m wasting a really nice horse so I should sell her to someone who will tap that potential. My dream of all dreams would be for her to be equally good at showing AND fox hunting. Serious shoulding going on here.
Simon is a much easier should. His shoulds are more about body clipping (ugh). Fly sheets. Pulling his mane. And other banal shoulds that won’t remarkably change his future, just his day-to-day existence. Sometimes I think I should show him, but it would also be dumb to show him when I SHOULD be showing Coco. This past hunt season went really well for Simon. He was fit. He stayed sound. He got better and better all season. It’s easy to forget that he’s only 7 and (hopefully) has many years ahead of him to hunt and trail ride and maybe even go to some horse shows. I don’t feel the pressure that I should be doing anything different with Simon, and that makes him more fun for me to ride. Which is dumb.
At the end of the day, all a horse wants to do is eat grass and be safe. They don’t care about their potential. They don’t care if they win or lose. They don’t care if they have a show record or not. They don’t care how big are the jumps. They don’t care about any of it, unless they are hungry or scared.
I continue to struggle with my shoulding, but am getting better at prioritising things for myself, my family and my animals. No one can make these choices for me and at the end of the day, no one other than Boot City really cares in the long run. I regularly remind myself of this when I start shoulding and it helps me make better choices.
Nancy CosbyApril 28, 2021 at 9:35 am (2 years ago)
You are such a good writer. And I truly believe that writing about the pros and cons of an issue sets your mind to analysis mode, whirring the puzzle pieces into possible combinations, drawing on your experience and knowledge to see the different paths to a solution. Great piece of work.Reply
Tara TApril 28, 2021 at 10:13 am (2 years ago)
Ah, thank you! And yes, I’ve long been a journaler. Writing this out helps tremendously.
Stephanie PotterApril 28, 2021 at 9:37 am (2 years ago)
“At the end of the day, all a horse wants to do is eat grass and be safe.” You’re wise! There is no such thing as wasting a horse’s potential, because the horse has no aspirations. Funny how we owners put so much “should” on ourselves for creatures that truly have no should. I do it too. Love this post.Reply
Tara TApril 28, 2021 at 10:16 am (2 years ago)
Thank you! It reminds me of the pressure we feel when we graduate from high school to pick what we want to do RIGHT NOW. It takes time to figure things out. Sure it’s great to be amazing at something quickly, but sometimes just doing something is all that is necessary. Same with horses. Coco doesn’t care if she ever wins a hunter class as long as she’s healthy and safe. We have had a lot more success together since I’ve accepted this and just have fun with her.
LaurenApril 28, 2021 at 3:08 pm (2 years ago)
I stand by the comment that all horses named Simon are good horses! Don’t worry about Coco. Horses have no aspirations. Enjoy her, and if you don’t enjoy her then selling her seems like an option, but as long as you’re happy she’s in your barn that’s all that matters.Reply
Tara TApril 28, 2021 at 3:24 pm (2 years ago)
Haha, right?! He’s a good egg for sure!! Coco and I have come a LONG way. She had a solid 18 months of being not fun, but the past couple years have been pretty darn good.
L.WilliamsMay 19, 2021 at 1:38 pm (2 years ago)
We humans really like to complicate things – I am like you and I worry about ruining the nicest horse I’ve owned to date, when I should just treat him like every horse I’ve ever owned or ridden. I think you are a fabulous owner and the horses are lucky to have you!Reply
Tara TMay 19, 2021 at 2:10 pm (2 years ago)
Ah, thank you!!! Cheers to us ammies and doing our level best by our horses!Reply